ECW December to Dismember

December to Dismember Review


I was in the mood for some torture and something bad to watch, so this sounded like a perfect way to go. I think my Battleground review may have been a little too positive as well so I think some negativity is needed. Only two matches were actually promoted for this show: the opener and the main event. I've never seen this the whole way through so I'm looking forward to seeing how bad it is. Let's review DTD.


I've just noticed that the show is only 2 hours and 14 minutes long. This is looking bad already.



The Hardy Boyz vs MNM
What a great to start off the very first (and the only one) of the ECW brand PPVs as four WWE brand guys have what may be the longest match on the entire show. Great idea guys. To be fair it may be the show's only good match and the closest thing to a savior it has. I did enjoy the classic story of the younger team trying to show that they were better and quicker than the veterans, only for the veterans to show that their experience was greater. MNM still looked good in defeat. Twenty minutes seems like way too much time for these teams but they used it well and it helped to build to an exciting finish. A great tag match to open the show with. ***3/4



And I bet it's all downhill from here.



Matt Striker vs Balls Mahoney
Good god I forgot that Striker used to be an active wrestler. That didn't last long anyway. These guys tried to have a wrestling match out there but Balls really shouldn't be trying to have matches like that that are over two minutes long. The crowd couldn't care less either. Boring match with dull psychology that really had no place on PPV. 1/4*



Backstage, Sabu has been attacked and is out of the main event. The fans quickly start the bullshit chants. I'm sure we'll be hearing more of them later on.



Elijah Burke & Sylvester Terkay vs The FBI
Burke is pretty bad on the mic. Terkay has a pretty awful name for a wrestler. Sounds like something they'd give to an NXT wrestler today. I can already tell that this doesn't belong anywhere on a PPV. This was yet another dull match that the fans didn't care about and seemed entirely pointless and forgettable. I think the crowd's "change the channel" chant tells the whole story. 1/2*



Daivari vs Tommy Dreamer
I don't recall Daivari ever having a good match. I guess the Great Khali's skill rubbed off on him. No wonder why they didn't advertise most of these matches as the buyrate may have went even lower if that was possible. I would have thought that Dreamer would have had a more important match on the show as well considering that he was the face of ECW. I need to get a thesaurus to find a different word for boring and dull I'm gonna need them a lot tonight, including for this bout. It got a little more interesting towards the end as Dreamer seemed quite motivated but then Daivari got a cheap pin for the win and sucked out any joy that may have remained in the crowd. That's three bad matches in a row. 1/2*



You guys really weren't kidding about how awful this show is. Battleground 2013 looks like Mania 17 compared to it.


Hardcore Holly is picked to replace Sabu in the main event. Yay. Ok I think it's time to start drinking. Also why was Holly in his wrestling gear when he didn't have a match scheduled?



Mike Knox & Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorn & Ariel
Kelly was pretty awful on the mic before the match. How the hell did she keep her job for another six years? Thorn's vampire gimmick might have worked a couple of years after this. They could have thrown glitter over him and told him and Ariel to show no emotion whatsoever (yes I'm a Twilight basher can you blame me?). Yet another meaningless, drudging (thank you thesaurus) match and the fourth one of the night. No amount of Tequila in the world could make this entertaining. At least the women are sexy and like showing their stuff. Yes it's sexist but it's the only positive thing I can find here. Knox leaves Kelly on her own to the shock of no one and Ariel beats her easily. God give me strength to get through the rest of this. DUD


And here comes the Sandman to try and revive the dead crowd and it does work. He canes Thorn for a bit and finally we have something slightly entertaining on the show.




Bobby Lashley vs Big Show vs Hardcore Holly vs Test vs Rob Van Dam vs CM Punk : Extreme Elimination Chamber
The ECW World Title is on the line. You'd think that having weapons in each of the pods would have made things more exciting but they added nothing at all. They had two guys in Punk and RVD that could have brought some life back to this show, but they were two of the first three eliminated to leave just Test, Lashley and Show. And I thought this couldn't get any worse. Heyman originally wanted Punk to win the match, but Lashley was picked over him. I guess hindsight is 20/20 guys. A dull match with barely any memorable spots and easily the worst Chamber match in history. Lashley spears Show to get the anti-climatic finish and the Title. ECW is dead. *1/4



1.5/10. Well that's officially the worst show I've ever seen. If you bought this show I feel so bad for you right now. The opening match is worth a watch but once that's finished just turn the show off and never mention its name again and pretend that it doesn't exist. How the ECW brand lasted another three years after this first PPV will forever be a mystery to me. A horrifically bad show overall.